here come better days

So, I am at home. It is 3:30 in the afternoon. It is pretty rare that I am at home at 3:30 in the afternoon. Tomorrow is my last day at work (well, at work as I know it). Today was my "Farewell Reception". I am always a little nervous before stuff like that. Nervous that no one will come. Nervous that I won't know what to say or how to act. Nervous because it is about me and for me. I felt that way with wedding showers and baby showers. Don't get me wrong, I really like it once I am there but gearing up to get there is hard for me. People stopped by today, and I got this really pretty Texas Tech serving dish and a picture frame - also Texas Tech. Jonas came to my party too. I think everyone was more excited about seeing him than bidding me farewell. So, I left after the reception was over. And came home. I didn't know where else to go, and frankly, I was hot and wanted to change my clothes. On the way home, I realized that I am not sure what I feel about this transition. On one hand, I am so so excited. On the other, I am sad. And, if I had a third hand, I am scared. Excited that I will get to experience what it is like to stay at home with my child. Excited that I won't feel guilty for leaving him in the care of others all day. Excited that life will be more calm and that I won't feel frustrated with myself for not doing any of my jobs with complete excellence. I am sad for the relationships I will be leaving. In my time at my office, I have had a unique position. I have been a boss, but I think I've been a friend as well. My staff have dealt with divorce, death, unfaithfulness, alcoholism...you name it. I like that I have been able to be a part of their lives and have them as a part of mine. And, I am scared that I will not be able to "get back in the game". That my experience in managing will be too old, so I will have to start out at entry level positions when I return to work. That my mind will loose some of it's business sharpness. That I will regret by decision to leave. I like being a manager, and I think I am a fairly good one. I like being influential and have had the unique opportunity to know some really influential people. I like fighting for what I believe is right on behalf of other people. So, excitement, sadness and fear all collide inside me.

I made the decision to leave my job for several reasons. Some were because of the job situation itself - which is always hard. I didn't see things changing any time soon (or as fast as I needed them to change), and I had given a lot of warning that things needed to change. The other is so obviously because I will never raise Jonas again.

On my way home this afternoon, the cd just happened to be on this song. And, I could really relate to these lyrics. Here's to better days...

here come better days

here come better days,better days, and a better place I know.

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,

the wind is moving through the trees blustering you,

and the better days you bring,the better places found,

feasting at your table I'm overwhelmed,

and I lift my glass drink to those who never gave up,

clouds pass fading into memories gone,

and all I know for life is life and love and peace,what else could there be?